A Singing Hat
by cakeeatingwingedcat
Summary: Davina Bat returns to the staffroom from her Chanting lesson and shows her colleagues what she has just confiscated: A hat that sings and shouts out names. Constance is unsure how to react... The story is set in the Worst Witch '98-universe, around the start of Mildred's 4th year. Miss Bat never left. Note: It's my first fanfic and I hope you enjoy it!


**A Singing Hat**

There finally was a calm afternoon at Cackle's, at least compared to the past week.

A few troublesome Flying lessons and an 'accident' during 3rd Year-Potions had taken their toll, so Constance Hardbroom was looking forward to her afternoon tea.

When she entered the staff room she was delighted to find everything prepared: Amelia Cackle and Imogen Drill had set the table with four tea cups and a pot, and now they were making several bowls of fruit salad. Apparently, the headmistress still kept her promise of replacing at least half of her sweets intake with fruits.

As Constance sat down and poured tea for her colleagues and herself she heard Davina Bat coming back from her Chanting lesson. Judging from the strange sounds in the corridor the Chanting teacher was singing, and there was a second voice, a male one.

"What's going on?" Instantly the stressful parts of her week returned to her mind.

No one had a chance to answer because Davina slammed the door open.

"Look at this, isn't that exciting?" she exclaimed.

In her hand she held a shabby pointed hat.

Carefully Constance placed the teapot on the table and looked up.

"What on earth is that, Davina?"

Far too excited to notice the angry tone of her colleague's voice, Davina replied, "It's a singing hat. That means it sings and shouts out funny words when you place it on your head."

Unsure how to react, Constance frowned and remained silent. Davina took that as an invitation to elaborate further.

"When I was on my way to the Chanting classroom, I heard a strange voice singing and when I got in, Ruby Cherrytree was wearing this hat. Then it shouted out a word: Something like 'Raven's Claw'."

"Ravenclaw," Imogen corrected.

"Yes, that was the word! How do you know?"

"Well, this hat looks and sounds like a Sorting Hat. You know, the one from the Harry Potter books."

Constance could hardly avoid rolling her eyes as she wondered how a book containing such an inaccurate description of magic could have gained so much popularity.

Nevertheless, Davina was even more excited.

"Oh really? I will definitely read the books then," she announced and continued,

"after this, Ruby gave the hat to Mildred Hubble and after some time it shouted 'Grivendoor', I think."

She looked at Imogen who helped her: "Gryffindor."

"Yes, and then Ethel Hallow snatched the hat away from Mildred and put it on her own head. This time it did not take that long and it shouted something else."

"Slytherin?" Imogen guessed.

"Yes, exactly. How did you know?"

"The two remaining options were 'Hufflepuff' and 'Slytherin'. And I thought Slytherin suited Ethel better."

Hearing all this Constance felt that she was losing her patience. How could Davina have allowed the girls to handle a strange and potentially dangerous magical object directly in front of her nose?

"And then I said 'You can't just do magical experiments during lessons. I have to enforce discipline here.' And I confiscated it!"

Judging from the confidence in her voice, Davina seemed pleased with herself.

"Oh, that you did. After letting the girls do their experiment for how long? Ten minutes? Fifteen? Don't you remember what happened last time when they did a little magical 'experiment' and summoned something from a book?" Constance snapped at her colleague. She remembered it all too well, including the feeling of being overpowered, of failing to protect those she meant to keep safe.

The words had a foreseeable effect: Davina pressed her lips together and went directly into 'her' cupboard, not without slamming the door.

"What did she expect? That I approve of her way of 'enforcing discipline'?" Constance addressed her colleagues. Amelia looked at her intently, conveying that she knew what had prompted her deputy's reaction.

Meanwhile, Imogen took a bowl of fruit salad and got up to knock on the cupboard door.

"Please come out, Davina. We would like to find out more about the hat. And your fruit salad is waiting for you: Apples, bananas, mangos and kiwis; loads of kiwis, fresh and green."

Today, this was sufficient to convince Davina to come out again.

"Do you really want to find out more about the hat?" she asked, placing the hat on the table and taking the bowl from Imogen.

"Well, of course," replied the PE-teacher, "I really like Harry Potter and I want to know whether this hat works like the one in the books."

"Unlikely," Constance murmured, earning her a glance from Amelia, this time not so understanding. For the sake of her own nerves, Constance decided to keep her opinion to herself, at least for now.

In contrast to her, Amelia made an effort:

"I am curious what kind of magic was used to create this. Making an object sing is not too difficult, but making it react differently to different people is extraordinary and, I dare say, highly interesting."

"And we might find out how to deactivate it," Constance added in her mind.

Thanks to the encouragement Davina now seemed even more enthusiastic than before.

"I think I can make it sing; I did before, in the corridor. Perhaps you heard me."

It took Constance a lot of her self-control not to respond to that. Mentally she prepared herself for whatever the hat might do.

"Attention, ladies!" The Chanting teacher acted like some kind of show master and pointed her fingers at the hat with a dramatic gesture. "Hat, sing!"

"Many years ago four friends,

with magic blessed,

assembled those who were like them

to teach them without rest:

Wise Ravenclaw the scholars, to the path of knowledge bound,

proud Slytherin the clever ones, who knew their way around,

bold Gryffindor the strong and brave, the heroes meant to be,

kind Hufflepuff hard-working folks, who valued loyalty.

Today, this might be long ago,

but trust me here, my friend,

you'll still find out where you belong,

I'll tell you in the end."

The tune sounded familiar to Constance and after a moment she realised where she had heard it before: On Founder's Day, a few years ago, Mildred and her friends had sung a similar song about Hermione Cackle, based on some ridiculous rumour about the founder being a 'highway man'.

"Perhaps, I can make it do the other thing as well. You know, shouting out the names of the witches from the song," Davina proceeded.

"You mean 'Sorting'. And two of them, Gryffindor and Slytherin, are actually wizards," Imogen added, happy to contribute something the others didn't seem to know much about.

Hearing the comment, Constance began to understand why the hat was so appealing to Imogen.

"Finally, we are dealing with a magical object she knows more about than us. Or at least, that's what she believes."

The hat was still one of the girls' experiments and potentially dangerous; however she did not want to spoil her colleagues' fun.

"Please continue. What is this 'Sorting' about?" she inquired, making an effort to not sound even remotely sarcastic. At the same time, she watched the hat carefully, just in case.

Imogen seemed rather surprised at the question.

"Well, in the books it's a method to determine in which house the new students belong. Hogwarts, the magical school, has four houses, named after the four founders. Each house is associated with certain character traits, like those mentioned in the song - Gryffindor with courage and chivalry, Slytherin with cunning and ambition, Ravenclaw with wit and learning and Hufflepuff with dedication and fairness."

"What a ridiculous idea," Constance thought. Sorting teenagers into different houses sounded like pitting them against each other. How could that not lead to bullying and gang warfare?

Obviously, she was the only one who felt like this.

"Oh, let me try then," Davina exclaimed and placed the hat on her head before anyone could stop her.

"Have you lost your senses, Davina?" Constance couldn't keep herself from saying.

However, Davina seemed to be captivated by the hat and didn't notice. Instead, she just stared into the air, as if she was trying to focus on something the others couldn't see.

Preparing for the worst, Constance flexed her fingers. Several spells to counter mind-control magic went through her head. She chose one and was just raising her hand when the hat exclaimed "Ravenclaw!", releasing Davina from her trance.

"Ohh, that was fun! It asked me all kinds of questions and I just had to think about the answer, I didn't even have to say it. It's a good house, isn't it? The one for the witty folks." She directed the question at Imogen.

Constance, instead of casting her spell, reached for her teacup.

"It is indeed, Davina. They also value creativity and originality. So I think it suits you well," the PE-teacher answered, much to Davina's delight.

"May I also try it?" Imogen inquired. Davina nodded enthusiastically and handed the hat to her colleague.

Seeing that, Constance overcame her short time speechlessness.

"No, of course not," she almost shouted, "this thing is a mind-reading device. We have no idea what else it might be able to do."

"It didn't harm me, did it?", Davina interjected, annoyed that someone was again trying to spoil the fun.

"Well, ..."

Sensing that an argument would most likely lead to slamming cupboard doors again, Amelia intervened, "I think it's a good idea to do a few magical tests before anyone else tries the hat. You know a few spells that help recognise and protect against mind-control, don't you, Constance?"

"Of course, I do."

Those spells were 'taught' at Witch Training College and she had them memorised ever since one particularly dreadful 'learning experience'.

However, this knowledge hadn't protected her from being controlled by a magically enhanced dog-robot once... She shuddered slightly at the memory.

"So, let's test it. I also have a few spells in mind, to check for side effects."

Diligently, Constance performed the tests, but she couldn't detect any mind-control enchantment. Afterwards, Amelia checked the hat for side effects, including the threat of random explosions, but all the tests were negative.

"We don't seem to have to worry about this hat being dangerous, do we?" Amelia asked. "I think you can now safely try it if you want, Imogen." Smiling reassuringly, she turned to Constance, who felt less stressed, at least a little.

Meanwhile, Imogen tried on the hat. "How do I look?" she asked.

"It suits you," Amelia replied warmly and Constance almost wanted to smile. It did suit her, indeed.

After several minutes of silence, the hat had decided in which house to put Imogen. A loud "GRYFFINDOR" filled the room.

Imogen looked highly content while Davina cheered for her, singing "the hero meant to be".

Since she still wasn't sure how to react, Constance looked at Amelia, who was clapping gently. Her friend nodded at her, inviting her to join in.

Instead, Constance took the chance to end the nonsense.

"Now that we all had some 'fun', I suggest we store the hat at a secure place and do something useful instead."

"A sensible suggestion," Amelia agreed, "But I would like to try it myself first. And I thought you might, too, Constance."

"I'd rather not." She shook her head.

In her mind, she added, "Though I can't deny that I would like to know more about how this device operates."

Now that they had declared the hat safe, the scientifically curious part of her wanted to know what exactly the girls had created.

Amelia placed the hat on her head. The decision took a few minutes, but not much longer than Imogen's had. "Hufflepuff," the hat said calmly.

The headmistress smiled and placed it on the table.

"Now, that was a nice and insightful experience. What did it say in the song? Hard-working? Well, I do have some 'hard work' to do this afternoon. OFFWITCH asked for a number of reports on the new girls. Please excuse me, ladies."

She got up and headed to the door.

"Constance, could you take care of the hat being stored securely?"

"Of course, Headmistress."

She took the chance to get up as well. "Would you excuse me, too? I have a few essays to mark and a report to write on the incident during Potions yesterday."

With that, she went to the writing desk and sat down.

Her colleagues decided to dissolve the little tea party.

"The hat inspired me to compose a new song. I have to try it on the piano," Davina declared while Imogen announced that she wanted to go on a run before her dinner supervision started. She got up and followed Davina, who had just left the room humming a strange tune.

When she reached the door, Imogen turned around again.

"See you later," she said to Constance who was the only one to stay in the room.

"By the way, I think it was sensible that you wanted us to be careful. There is actually a saying in the Harry Potter books: 'Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.' So thanks for the security checks."

With a smile, she closed the door behind her.

About half a minute later Constance found herself still staring at the closed door. That smile...

She shook her head slightly and turned to her marking.

"No one was harmed during the incident.

No other parts of the school were affected.

Damage was done only to the lab facilities and the equipment. The damage is not permanent."

The question on the aftereffects had been the last on the OFFWITCH-questionnaire on Potions incidents.

Constance felt relieved. With the marking and the report done, she might at least enjoy a calm evening. Looking around the room she noticed that the hat was still on the table. How could she have forgotten about it?

"Time to store you somewhere nice and secure," she announced.

Picking it up, she examined the hat more closely. It was a simple pointed hat, looking old and shabby.

But still, it was enchanted and the girls apparently had not created something dangerous this time. One could even say that the hat was the result of a properly conducted magical project.

A part of her was still impressed and curious about how advanced the magic involved in the hat's creation really was.

Perhaps, she should try... No one would notice anyway, Davina was busy composing and would probably be up all night, like the last time she was 'inspired'.

Imogen would not return to the staff room until after dinner supervision and Amelia would probably also wait until the girl's dinner was over before she asked Mrs Tapioca for her own.

"Well, let's see what you have to say, then," Constance thought and put the hat on her head.

"Now, whom do we have here?" asked a squeaky voice.

"Aren't you supposed to read my mind?" Constance thought.

"I do read your mind," the hat answered, "but superficially. I only read the thoughts that are directed towards me."

"That's interesting. Then, ow do you mean to sort people into these obscure houses?"

"By asking questions and evaluating the answers. I am what is commonly called an artificial intelligence," the hat replied.

"And you are a curious one, aren't you?" it added.

"I simply want to find out how advanced the magic was that the girls used to create you."

"So you 'are' curious, in a scientific way. Excellent. Do you also happen to like books?" squeaked the hat.

"Of course I do. I would have a bad time being a teacher if I didn't like books."

"Ah, a teacher! What do you teach, something science-y?"

"Potions is a rather scientific subject, yes," she answered drily, unsure whether she was annoyed by the hat's way of asking questions.

"I think I have an idea, where you might belong..."

She heard a little triumph in the hat's voice.

"You're talking about the house of the scholar, aren't you?"

"Exactly, Ravenclaw. And sound reasoning, that's another hint in the direction."

"You just sorted Davina into this house for her originality and creativity, didn't you?"

"I did, good observation."

"Well, let me inform you that though I appreciate learning and scientific thinking, I do not believe I belong to a house of creative eccentrics who focus on anything but the task at hand."

A part of her felt odd for discussing such a matter with a hat. However, that seemed to be how the 'Sorting' worked.

"Let me remind you that it is me who does the Sorting. But if you think Ravenclaw is not right for you, then tell me: What do you mean with 'the task at hand'?"

The hat sounded miffed now.

"It depends on the situation. Usually, the task at hand is teaching the girls so that they'll succeed, both in the exams and in life."

"Success? Is that something you strive for?"

The hat seemed to have found a new approach.

"I dare say so. I am proud if the girls finish school with high results in their exams and mastery of their powers."

"So you value achievement. But what about your own ambitions?"

Constance frowned and reflected on the question.

"That is my ambition. I want the girls to become powerful young witches. Witchcraft can be a force for good, but only if young witches learn to control their powers and to use them confidently.

In addition, I want to preserve the good name of the school, of course."

"That is what you want for other people. But what do you want for yourself? Power, political influence, money, popularity or something else? Love perhaps?"

"In that regard, I am most content with what I have since I consider myself sufficiently powerful. Moreover, I am more than happy to leave politics to other people, even though I would like to see a few changes in educational policy. As long as I can sustain myself, the amount of money I make doesn't matter to me. And with regard to popularity," she chuckled internally, "I am well aware that people often think of me as difficult to deal with, but I have no intention to change my behaviour just for the sake of being liked by random strangers."

To her, it seemed inappropriate to discuss love with a hat. It was a complicated matter anyway since there were numerous different shapes and facets of the emotion. And who didn't want to be loved in any way?

"What I thought would suit you might not actually be right for you," the hat concluded.

"It's strange, you fit the pattern: ambitious, powerful, smart. Hmmm..."

There was a pause.

"We may as well proceed," Constance encouraged.

"Yes, let's come back to your previous statement. What is the task at hand, unusually?" the hat asked, still a little distracted.

"What a nonsensical question..." Constance discarded the thought. After all, what was the point of telling a singing hat it was sounding foolish?

"'Unusually', the task at hand is to prevent mishaps, accidents and outright disasters from happening or to at least limit their negative consequences and to ensure that no one is harmed", she answered.

"How do you prevent disasters or limit their consequences?"

"I step in and cast a spell, something that I think will contain the disaster."

"That means you put yourself in harm's way?" the hat interpreted.

"If it's necessary for the safety of the school or the girls, yes."

This very thought had prevented her from giving in to fear when she felt the Uninvited was more powerful than her.

"So you are courageous as well. You probably know by now what I am aiming at, don't you?", the head asked.

Gryffindor. She remembered the line from the song, "the heroes meant to be".

"I don't see myself as a hero since I simply do what I think is my duty to the school and to the students."

"And," she added, "it sounds like the house is welcoming troublemakers as well. Personally, I prefer good behaviour and obedience to rules."

"You don't make this easy for me," the hat stated flatly.

"If I remember it correctly, there are four houses and I do not think we have talked about Hufflepuff yet."

"Are you interested in Hufflepuff?"

"Why not? It's the house you sorted Amelia into."

To tell the truth, the description of Hufflepuff had suited Amelia: kind, fair, dedicated.

"Not exactly how I would describe myself, though." This thought she kept to herself.

"Does it matters to you what Amelia thinks and does?"

"Of course, we have been working together for many years now and we know each other well. Moreover, I consider Amelia my close friend."

"I see," the hat made an effort to sound neutral, "you're dedicated to your profession, and you usually put other people's well-being over yours.

However, what's more important than your characteristics or your abilities is your own choice. And you made yours."

As Amelia entered the staff room to ask Constance whether she wanted to have dinner with her, she saw something she had not expected: Her deputy was wearing the hat!

Amelia couldn't help but smile at the sight - it was very much like her friend to first object to something only to let curiosity win in the end.

Trying not to make any noise, Amelia waited for the result.

It turned out to be what, in her opinion, suited Constance best.

"Hufflepuff!"


End file.
